Barney's Blog

Hopper-tunity knocks!

Evening all, Barney McGrew, horse of the century, here again.

I want to start this week by saying I'm dead chuffed for the Paige Hopper human on being made our new apprentice. I've known Paige since she was a nipper, arriving here straight from school, and she's dead canny. I call her Space Hopper because she's always bouncing around, full of energy, and with a big smile on her face.

Another thing I like about Paige is that she's always willing to listen because she wants to learn as much as she can. She's forever popping over to my field to ask for advice on how to ride certain horses.

I had to laugh last November though. I was looking over my fence and a young 'un called Navy Wren dumped her on her bum twice in five minutes. Bloody hilarious, it was! I love it when us horses make humans look stupid.

That said, I shouldn't laugh really because she's a lovely lass. Mind you, I was a bit miffed to read on our website that her favourite horse is Woven (that's them below). Now, don't get me wrong, he's a nice sort, but he's not a superstar like me, is he? Haway, Paige,I'm not the jealous type but surely old Barney's your favourite?

That aside, I want to wish her all the luck in the world. I'll be the first to congratulate her when she has her first winner. I just wish I was a bit younger - I'd show her where the winning post is!

I also noticed on the Team page of our website that the nice Sophie Dods human has now qualified as an ACA Qualified Accountant.

Not quite sure what ACA stands for but I think it means A Clever Arse. Anyway, she's supposed to be very good at sums, so here’s a quick test for her: What do you get if you add 12 bags of carrots and six packets of Polos? Answer: A very happy Barney! Get your clever arse down to my stable, Soph!

By the way, did you hear about the cannibal who became a qualified accountant? He charged an arm and a leg!

(You can always count on me to be bloody funny)

Right! I've got a bone to pick with the Leanne Bostock human. It was the start of The Queen's Platinum Jubilee celebrations on Thursday and Leanne got done up in red, white and blue for the occasion. There was a picture of her riding Queen's Sargent, and one of her with Commanche Falls. But hang on a minute - how come she didn't come to my field so she could have a picture taken with the King of Denton? Bloody cheek.

I hope her face-paint doesn't come off - that'll teach her!

Anyway, enough of the humans and onto the horses. I want to say well done to my mate Diamond Haze on his win with the Connor human on board at Thirsk the other day.

I was talking to Hazy (as I like to call him) after his previous run at Thirsk and he was telling me how he'd got buggered about by a loose horse getting in his way. He'd have finished a lot closer without that happening, so I was expecting him to win with a bit of luck in running the other night.

For your information, Hazy's dad was a classy sprinter, called Coulsty, who was trained by the Richard Hannon human. His mum was a mare, called Cannot Give, who won a couple of times in Ireland.

He runs in the yellow and black colours of Denton Hall Racing. It's a cracking syndicate, run by a decent enough human called Ian Davison, who's one of the owners of Dakota Gold and Commanche Falls. If you fancy getting involved, give Ian a call on 07843 655429 or email iandav@uwclub.net. Tell him I sent you.

Also, congratulations to Tinto, who followed up his win at Thirsk with an impressive victory at Ripon. He only joined us this season - coming from a human trainer called Amanda Perrett all the way down in Sussex - and he's won two of his three races for us so far. The northern air clearly suits him.

As you know, I like to be educational, so I thought you might like to know that "Tinto" is an isolated hill in the Southern Uplands of Scotland. I've no idea if that's where the horse got his name - and I couldn't give a bugger anyway - but I've got to fill this blog with something!

Finally, I'm not at all happy with The Gaffer. That nice Peter Barron human, who does our website, was telling me he was talking to the Michael human at Redcar Races on Thursday and asked him what he thought of me singing the National Anthem in my blog last week. "It was shocking - he can't sing, can he?" was The Gaffer's reply in front of a crowd of people.

Cheeky bugger. From what I've heard, you're no Michael Bublé yerself, matey. As my mother, Success Story, always told me: "If you can't say something kind, don't say anything at all."

I'll leave it at that. Lots of love til next time,