Barney's Blog

Bucking the trend

Evening all,

Barney McGrew here again – equine celebrity, star of the show, global phenomenon.

Hope you’ve all wintered well and are looking forward to the new season.

In case any of you are feeling a bit lethargic, and struggling to get out of bed in the morning after the nippy weather, I thought I’d post a couple of pictures of meself. The first one is earlier this month when we had a touch of snow here at beautiful Denton Hall.

And the one below is is on the first day of my retirement back in 2016. I'm 20-years-old now but I haven't aged a bit, have I?

The thing is, I love a good buck – don’t you? I definitely recommend bucking as a great way to start the day – even if you’re a human. Just get down on all fours, with your palms flat on the floor, take a deep breath, then kick your legs out behind you as far as they'll go. It feels bloody great. Mind you, don’t do it in front of your best china – or the telly. The Gaffer tried it the other day and the Carole human lost her favourite vase and missed the end of Love Island.

Having said all that, I have to confess I’ve been confined to my box just lately because I’ve had an abscess in my hoof. Sorry to spoil your breakfast but it was full of puss, so the Phil Cramp human – or Crampy as I like to call him – had to give it a squeeze.

Hurt like buggery, it did, but he said I was “very brave”. Mind you, The Gaffer wasn’t quite so brave because he had to foot the bill. FOOT THE BILL! Geddit? The Michael human always lets out a yelp as if he's been gelded whenever he sees the vet’s bills. Says Crampy must be dripping in money. Mind you, he never looks like he is, the way he dresses.

Anyway, the hoof’s much better now and I’m back out in the field, bucking like a yearling who hasn't been broken in.

Not long now til the flat season starts proper and I reckon we’ve got a pretty good team in place – both equine and human.

We've got the Chloe human in her first full season as Assistant Trainer. Lovely lass, Chloe. Can you believe I've known her since she was a five-year-old? She often asks my advice because she's well aware that I know a lot more than her old man. I think she'll go far. In fact, put her in charge now, I say.

On the horse front, I was talking to Dakota Gold – or Goldy as I like to call him – over my fence the other day. He’s nine now, which is nowt really, but they’re describing him as a veteran. Well, I’ll tell you this, Goldy looks as sprightly as ever to my eyes and I wouldn’t be at all surprised to see him back in the winner’s enclosure this year. Chances are it'll be at York. Mark my words.

I was also having a natter with Gale Force Maya – or Galey as I like to call her. I reckon this might be her last season before she buggers off to stud. I know she’s had her eye on me for ages but, sadly for both of us, I’m not equipped to help her in that department anymore. That said, she’ll make a splendid brood mare – but not before she wins a few more races for that nice Frank Lowe human.

As well as the old ‘uns, there are lots of new faces among the horses and I’ve been getting to know the young ‘uns. They like to come to me for reassurance because they know I’m a legend. Midnight Lir – or Middy as I like to call him – is a decent sort. He’s owned by the Denton Hall Syndicate and had a visit the other day from its youngest member, a nice lad called Toby.

Well, I’ve got a word of advice for young Toby. Listen, son, if you’re going to pay a visit, make sure you pop round to my field with some carrots. I’m the star round here. Got it?

Talking of visitors, a lovely lady called Felicity – or Fliss as I like to call her – popped in the other day with some Polo mints and a big bag of carrots. She used to work at the yard and she’s a cracking lass.

One of our owners, John Barker, also stopped by with some carrots. These are the kind of people The Gaffer needs to encourage – real carrot people! Not like those miserable sods who own Commanche Falls and Dakota Gold. All the bloody money those three have won over the past few years and you never see ‘em with a single carrot in their hands. The humans reckon they're the same in the pub – never been seen near the bar.

Onto matters outside the yard. I was reading The Northern Echo the other day and there was a story in there about an equestrian centre over in Cartmel that’s offering holiday breaks for humans. It’s called Stable Stays, and for £350 a night, the humans can sleep in a bunk-bed in a stable – next to a horse.

Not sure I could be arsed with that. I don’t know about you, but my concern would be coping with outbreaks of extreme flatulence during the night. I’d just have to have a word and tell 'em to pack it in.

Finally, back to the Crampy human and this veterinary lark.

One of our owners collared him the other day and said: “Hey, Crampy, do you mind if I bring my spaniel in to see you tomorrow – I need its tail cutting off.”

“Why on earth would you want to do such a terrible thing to your dog?” asked Crampy.

“The mother-in-law’s coming round – and I don’t want anything to happen that makes her think she’s welcome!” replied the owner.