Barney's Blog

Have I got snooze for you

EVENING all, Barney here again – the evergreen Peter Pan of horseracing. Can you believe I’m 22 this year and still the most handsome beast in the yard?

Talking of handsome beasts, I’ve picked up a nice bit of gossip about that David Metcalfe human. The one with the thick mane, known to everyone as Mecca.

He’s the one who owned my good friend Mecca’s Angel – in my opinion, one of the greatest sprinters ever trained in the north.

Anyway, my spies tell me that Mecca and his wife, Anne, recently went on a cruise with The Gaffer and my Carole.

Mecca’s a lovely fella but he has a lot of trouble sleeping. To be honest – I’m a bit surprised by that. For a start, he’s never been known to buy a round and, when you think about how heavy his wallet must be, you’d think he’d be cream crackered by the end of the day, wouldn’t you?

Whatever the reason, he really struggles with insomnia and is up half the night. During the cruise, The Gaffer found out there were meditation classes available on board, and suggested that Mecca try it to see if it helped him relax.

To his surprise, Mecca agreed to give it a go and went along to one of the classes with his missus and my Carole while The Gaffer caught up with the Chloe human on the phone to check what was happening back at the yard.

The meditation teacher told those in the class to start off by lying down on a mat on the floor, turned the lights down low, and started some soothing music. Within seconds, there was a rumbling noise – so loud there were fears that the ship might have hit some rocks and run aground.

When the lights were turned up, there was Mecca, fast asleep and snoring like a bloody walrus!

It's enough to Mecca you cry with laughter!!!

THIS is a nice time of year, seeing the new young ‘uns starting their careers, and I reckon we’ve got some nice types this year. They’re all in awe of me, of course.

Talking of young ‘uns, I had a nice little human pay me a visit the other day. He’s called Alfie, he’s nearly two, very cute, and he kindly brought me a couple of carrots.

His mum and dad are humans called Kalumn and Rachel Holbrook, who run a cracking business called Into Painting and Decorating, in that place called Darlington. They've just bought a two-year-old and named it Alfiestar after their little lad.

I'm told they do a very good job, so I'd very much appreciate it if they'd get round to my stable and give it a nice lick of paint. I’d like gold gloss to underline my VIP status if that’s OK.  I’d also like some nice woodchip wallpaper if it’s not too much trouble. Just send the bill to Mr M. Dods, Denton Hall.

By the way, Rachel’s grandad, a human called Ralph Manners, has just joined the Dods Racing Club at the grand old age of 98. Bloody hell – he’s even longer in the tooth than me! I just hope he doesn’t get too excited if there’s a photo-finish!

Anyway, whatever the generation, I expect every human to take note of little Alfie's generosity and remembers to bring me carrots. Barney loves ya, Alfie – come and see me again soon!

MEANWHILE, a big well done to my mate King's Crown on his second win of the season for owner Dave Stone at Newcastle tonight.

Cracking performance and so nice to see the Rhys Elliott human riding so well again after last year's fall. That's four winners for him since his comeback – keep 'em coming Rhys!

And what a nice picture below of Rhys and the Charlene Collingwood human. I like your scarf, Charlene. Can I have it?

ON other matters, I hear my old pal, Andrew Miller, has finally got one over on his stable staff colleague Phil Thomas in their ongoing battle on the dartboard.

Phil really fancies himself as a champion with the arrows and is always winning their matches with that smug look of his on his chops. Understandably, Miller was cock-a-hoop the other day when he landed a rare triple bullseye, leaving Phil with a face like a smacked arse.

Anyway, news of this magnificent feat has prompted me to come up with nicknames for our dynamic darts duo.

We’ve had Phil ‘The Power’ Taylor, Luke ‘The Nuke’ Littler, and Peter ‘Snakebite’ Wright.

I’ve thought long and hard about it, and I’ve decided on Andrew ‘The Grinder’ Miller, and Phil ‘The Tomahawk’ Thomas.

Unless anyone out there has any better suggestions?

FINALLY, I couldn’t help overhearing the Kenny Williams human having another one of his moans the other day. He gets worse as he gets older.

“I can't believe how much crap there is on the telly,” he groaned.

I told him straight: "Well, put yer budgie back in its cage, you silly old bugger." 

ANYWAY, that’s all from me, folks. Sleep well. If you can't, try a bit of meditation.