Barney's Blog

Stone the crows - where did The Gaffer get that shirt?

Evenin’ all. Barney McGrew, living legend, here again.

I want to start this week by paying tribute to one of our owners – the human called Dave Stone. He’s been a big supporter of the yard and he’s had a couple of well-deserved winners lately.

First, there was Tatterstall – or Tatty as I like to call him – in the first ever running of the 3-Year-old Dash, at Epsom, on Derby Day. What a bloody performance that was! I bet the Connor Beasley human’s never been so fast in his life. It’s downhill all the way until the final half furlong, so Epsom is considered to be the fastest five furlongs in the world.

Tatty ran it in 54.23 seconds, which is bloody fast, but the world record was set at 53.69 by Stone of Folca, when wining the Epsom Dash for older horses back in 2012. He was trained by John Best and ridden by Luke Morris.

Then on the following Monday, Dave Stone – or Stoney as I like to call him – had another winner with Alethiometer, ridden by the Callum Rodriguez human, up at Ayr.

Stoney’s a fella who likes to celebrate. For example, take a look at this picture of him (below). Apparently, he was trying to do the Frankie Dettori flying dismount - but no-one told him he wasn't on a horse. He'll give himself a bloody hernia if he's not careful. Silly sod!

He’s also likes to think of himself as quite a dapper chap – reckons he looks good in a suit – and he can be quite sarcastic about The Gaffer. For example, he went on Facebook after Tatterstall won, and made this unnecessary barbed comment: “He needs a prize for that shirt.”

Well, the shirt he's referring to is pictured on The Gaffer (below) – and Stoney was way out of order. I’ve had a word with my Carole, and I can confirm that she had it made out of one of her best tablecloths after she spilled gravy on it at Christmas.

And, anyway, Stoney needn't talk. Look at this picture (below) showing him hanging around with two strange-looking humans at Epsom. Is that still the price-tag hanging off your suit, Stoney, old lad? I’ve had the picture forensically examined and can confirm the writing says: £54.99 – Matalan.

BY the way, Stoney runs a business called Stone Technical Services, in Darlington. Very successful it is too – does a lot of building work, especially around restoration and conservation. I’m told that Stoney can turn his hand to all sorts.

All of which reminds me of the time he was having breakfast with his missus...

“Babe, can you have a look at the bathroom door, it keeps getting stuck,” she said to him.

“What am I – a carpenter?” Stoney replied.

“Oh, and the toilet’s blocked as well – can you sort it out,” she added.

“What am I – a plumber?” said Stoney.

“And the tiles are coming loose on the kitchen floor,” his missus went on.

“What am I – a tiler?” sighed Stoney, who clearly couldn’t be arsed.

The next night, he came home late and his missus told him: “Great news, love, all those jobs have been sorted – our neighbour, that nice Mr Jackson, popped round and offered to help.”

“Did he ask for anything in return?” enquired Stoney, who’s notoriously tight.

“Yes, he gave me a choice – either make him some cupcakes, or make mad passionate love to him.”

“Well, I hope you made a good job of those cupcakes,” replied Stoney.

“What am I – a baker?” shrugged his missus.

That's all from me for another week, folks. Bring carrot-flavourd cupcakes. Lots of love.