Barney's Blog

Strategic thinking

Evening all, Barney McGrew here again – the world’s cleverest horse.

Well, can you believe it? I saw a story on the BBC this week about a new university study showing that horses are “more intelligent than previously thought”.

Apparently, researchers at Nottingham Trent University have carried out the study, using treats to test the ability of horses to work out puzzles.

The BBC headline was “HORSES CAN PLAN AND STRATEGISE, NEW STUDY FINDS”. This prompted a human called Terry Moses, who follows The Gaffer on Twitter, to comment: “I bet Barney already knew that.”

Well, yes, I did, Terry, and here’s an insight into my own brilliant strategy:

While I was still racing, I quickly realised that the Carole human was the brains of the operation at Denton, so I kept nuzzling up to her, and made her fall in love with me.

She found me irresistible so, when I was ready to retire, I knew she’d make the Michael human give me a home for life at Denton Hall.

Humans are actually quite stupid, so they fell for it, and I’ve lived here – free of charge – ever since, basically taking the mickey and doing bugger all while they do all the work.

Anyway, the big news is that I’ve been invited onto Celebrity Mastermind. My specialist subject is going to be “Carrot production in the 21st century.”

They just have to find a chair big enough for my arse.

In the meantime, I’m starting to wonder if those researchers at Nottingham Trent University should carry out a study into human intelligence.

One of our stable staff, the Andrew Miller human, came over to my stable after a trip to the supermarket last week.

“Hey, Barney,” said Miller. “I bought this vinegar but it's got lumps in it.”

I had to tell the daft bugger they were pickled onions!!!

NOW, as you all know, I’m not the jealous type but I’m not at all happy about a new arrival at the yard.

We already have two dogs – Ollie, the labrador, and Bruce, the Alsatian. Now, for some reason, they’ve decided to get a new puppy, called Bailey (pictured below).

He’s another golden labrador and it’s really pissing me off to see how much attention he’s getting. All I ever sodding hear is: “Oh, isn’t he cute.”

For God’s sake, dogs aren’t cute! All they do is bark for no reason and chase balls. They’re vastly inferior animals – only marginally more intelligent than humans.

Bailey better learn quick – I’m the bloody star round here!

FINALLY, I overheard my Carole complaining to the Michael human the other day.

“You never take me anywhere expensive anymore!” she moaned.

“Well, get your coat on,” said The Gaffer.

“Why, where are we going?” asked Carole.

“The newsagents to buy the bloody Racing Post!” came the reply.

That's all from me for now folks. Lots of love as always. Bring carrots – and don't be fooled into thinking it's us horses that are the dumb animals.