Barney's Blog

The awards you've all been waiting for

Morning all, Barney McGrew - living legend - here again and I’m not happy.

I stayed up late last night to watch the England match. We were miles better than the French and still lost! The Harry Kane human missing that penalty was like Baeed getting beaten in his last race. Who'd have thought it?

And did you see that Mbappe human laughing when Harry missed? I'll kick the bugger over the bar if ever he comes anywhere near me. If you ask me, they should make our Gaffer - the Michael human - England manager. If the players weren't coming up to scratch, he'd have them gelded - that'd make them concentrate!

Meanwhile, I hear they’ve been dishing out the awards without me again. Commanche Falls was given the so-called “Top Dog” award for winning back-to-back Stewards Cups at Glorious Goodwood. Yeah, yeah, Commy's done well - only the sixth horse in history to achieve the feat - and I think the world of him.

But, let's face it, he's still not good enough to have his own blog, is he?

Anyway, his owners – the Doug Graham, Ian Davison, and Alan Drysdale humans – were presented with some ugly ornamental dogs. What do they want bloody ornamental statues of dumb animals for? Intelligent horses, like me, I could understand. But stupid dogs? They even used to give better prizes than that on Bullseye with that Jim Bowen human.

Nowt but a load of old Tat, if you ask me. Check out the picture of them below - the only one that looks vaguely intelligent out of the lot of em is the Jack Russell Ian Davison's holding. And who's Ian making that rude gesture at in the audience? I'd love to know. Meanwhile, Doug Graham doesn't exactly look enamoured with his two labrador puppies, does he? He's not short of cash, that fella, but I bet you what you like, they'll be getting flogged on eBay before you know it.

I can only think the Michael human’s got a mate down Darlington market and gets them for a knock-down price.

And, as if that palaver wasn't enough, they then gave Gale Force Maya a Special Achievement Award after her five wins this year. That said, she’s been bloody brilliant, so I don’t begrudge her the award for one minute and at least they gave her owner, the Frank Lowe human, a metal horse's head rather than a pot Alsatian.

Everyone knows the only awards that really matter at Denton Hall are The Barney’s – “The Oscars of the Horse Racing World”. So, here goes with this year's honours from yours truly:

HUMAN OF THE YEAR: The Michael Dods human gets it for hitting the 1,000 career-winners mark when Bold Territories won at Newcastle in August. Look, I know you might call me a crawler, but The Gaffer keeps the show on the road, allows me to stay in a nice stable with a field to myself, and I’m not bloody stupid.

UNSUNG HERO OF THE YEAR: My Carole for the way she takes Dakota Gold down to the start for all his races. It’s bloody hilarious to watch. Goldy pulls her arms out of their sockets for 10 minutes while she trots round alongside him in an over-sized helmet, then he runs into the stalls at the last minute, leaving her puffing and panting. He’s just taking the p***, but she doesn’t realise it! God, it’s funny. Well done Carole. Goldy'll be retired soon - you can have a rest!

HORSE OF THE YEAR (APART FROM ME): I know this is a bit controversial, but with all due respect to Commanche Falls, I have to give it to Gale Force Maya – or Galey as I like to call her. Seriously, she keeps on improving and won five during the season, including two listed races. It looks like being her last season in 2023 before she goes off to be a brood mare and I’ll miss her like mad. She’s always fancied me, and is clearly hoping her first coupling at stud will be with me. Sadly, she’s got a big disappointment coming. I’ll break it to her soon - unless the Phil Cramp human can manage a reversal. Christ - can you imagine how much he'd charge for that!

JOCKEY OF THE YEAR: I know the Connor Beasley human has had a cracking season, but he’s not as good as his young un, Kaden. Not only did he win on his pony racing debut at Kelso, he’s been burning up the Denton Hall gallops. He’s a star of the future - mark my words.

BIGGEST DISAPPOINTMENT OF THE YEAR: It has to be Ian Davison nearly falling in the water trough at Ripon after Dakota Gold came second. He stepped backwards and was so close to taking a fully-clothed bath. God, I’d have loved to see that old bugger in the drink.

LUCKY OWNER OF THE YEAR: John Barker – not because of his success on the track but because he went into the wrong hotel room at Headlam Hall by mistake after a party, only to be confronted by a naked woman emerging from the shower. I’ve decided to spare her blushes by preserving her anonymity, but I’m told she fled for cover faster than Dakota Gold coming out of the stalls in a York sprint! H’away, John, bonny lad – check the door number next time!

TIP FOR THE TOP: Azure Blue – or Bluey as I like to call her. She’s had a cracking season, with four wins, culminating with a listed victory at Newmarket. Her owners, Peter Appleton and Anne Elliott, are really canny humans, who also had my old friend Que Amoro. I just have a feeling Bluey's really going to go places next season. You heard it here first!

CHRISTMAS CRACKERS…

The Michael gaffer popped his head round my stable door, looking all worried the other day.

“I don’t know what’s going on, Barney,” he said. “I went looking for Kenny Williams and it took me hours because, for some reason, he was hiding under a bale of hay. Then I went looking for Paige Hopper and I eventually came across her kneeling in the kitchen cupboard. And then I needed David Dickenson but he was up a tree, trying not to be seen behind the branches. What’s it all about?”

“It’s your own fault, Gaffer,” I told him. “You’ve brought it on yerself.”

“Why’s that?” he asked.

“Because you’re always moaning that good staff are hard to find.”

The next day, a bloke phoned the yard and all he did was cough and sneeze. I told my Carole he he must have been a cold caller.

We’ve got a new stable lad who used to work in a bank but got the sack. A customer came in and said: “Can you check my balance?” So he pushed her over.

Finally, did you know it’s Diarrhoea Awareness Week starting on Monday. Runs until Friday!

Have a lovely Christmas everyone – lots of love always. Bring carrots.