Barney's Blog

The race for Number 10

Evening all, the right honourable Barney McGrew here again, fully paid up member of the Carrot Appreciation Party (CAP).

As you know, I don’t normally stray into politics, but I can’t help it in the light of the bloody mess those humans are making of the country at the moment. It's a case of enough's enough.

Us horses are meant to be the dumb animals, but we would never cause as much chaos as that lot who are supposed to be in charge. We sort things out with a natter over the fence and, if anyone gets out of hand, they get a swift kick up the arse. That’s the way to do it.

Instead, the humans have done more twisting and turning than you see on the Strictly dance floor on a Saturday night.

That Liz Truss human only lasted 44 days as Prime Minister – she was Billy No Mates by the end and now they're on about bringing that bloody Boris human back. Give me strength - he can't even groom himself properly. Looks like he has last night's straw on his head.

Anyway, I’ve had a lot of letters, asking me to sort it all out, so I’m proud to exclusively announce, via this blog, that I've decided to stand to be Prime Minister. I'm expecting a nice, posh box to be built in the garden at 10 Downing Street, with extremely expensive, 24-carrot gold-leaf wallpaper. In return for all the perks going, my aim is to give the country what it needs – a stable government.

Here’s my mane-ifesto and cabinet reshuffle:

• Remove VAT on Polo mints with immediate effect.
• Incentivise all farmers to grow more carrots.
• I used to be a fan of ‘first past the post’ but now I’d bring in proportional representation. No idea what it means but nor does anyone else.
• I’d have to let The Gaffer be The Speaker of the House. He likes dishing out the orders, so it seems sensible.
• My Carole will be made a Dame - “Dame Carole of Denton" - she’d like that.
• Doug Graham, Ian Davison and Alan Drysdale – owners of Commanche Falls and Dakota Gold - are to be appointed as joint Chancellors of the Exchequer on the grounds that everything they touch turns to gold and, God knows, we need a change of fortune at the Treasury.
• Anne Elliott human – co-owner of Azure Blue – will be given the post of Home Secretary. She’s a very experienced and highly respected lawyer, so she’d be good at keeping everything in order. She can be Attorney General too if she wants.
• That David Metcalfe human – owner of Mecca’s Angel and all the other horses with Mecca in their name – can be Secretary of State for Agriculture. He’s a farmer, who calls a spade a spade, so he talks their language.
• The Frank Lowe human – owner of Gale Force Maya and Jawwaal among others – would be my clear choice as Secretary of State for Housing. There’s nowt he doesn’t know about the property market.
• I’d make the Kenny Williams human Secretary of State for Transport. With all his experience as Travelling Head Lad, he’d be dead good with lorries and logistics.
• The Steve Alderson human – our Yard Manager – would be my Secretary of State for the Environment. He does a cracking job on the tractor, keeping the gallops looking good. He’d also be a good whistle-blower if there were any signs of corruption.
• Obviously, the Connor Beasley human would have to be Chief Whip – with anyone not doing as they’re told getting a quick slap down the withers.
• If that didn’t work, he’d have the Phil Cramp human as his Assistant Chief Whip, with permission to geld anyone who steps out of line and needs to concentrate.

In the meantime, while I’m waiting for the votes to pour in, I have to say a big well done to my old mate Dakota Gold.

Did you see the way he battled under the Connor human at Donny yesterday to win his 15th race. Bloody marvellous!

Unlike our politicians, you can always rely on Goldy. He’s as honest as the day’s long, never lets you down, and he's been gelded so there's never any danger of a sex scandal like a few others I could mention.

There were some lovely comments about Barney on our Facebook page yesterday, including one from a human called Suzanne Burrows, who wrote: "Well done Dakota - I'll ask the gaffer if I can bring you some carrots as a treat - but you will have to share with Barney xx"

Now, listen here Suzanne. I love Goldy like a brother - but I don't share carrots with anyone!

WELL done also to Deputy who won the last race at Doncaster earlier today. I was talking to him over my fence only yesterday and he told me: "Do you know what, Barney? I'm gonna really love that heavy ground at Doncaster, so I fancy my chances."

He's well named because he's by Lawman and only joined us at the start of this season from the Charlie Fellowes yard at Newmarket. That's two on the bounce he's won for us this season, so I'm dead chuffed for him.

BACK to politics, I heard a nasty rumour about the Canadian Prime Minister. I’m not sure it’s Trudeau!!!

THAT'S your lot until next time, folks. Remember to vote for me. We’ve had the slogans LIZ FOR LEADER and READY FOR RISHI. Now it’s BIG UP BARNEY.

You know it makes sense and if the humans don’t like it – ballots to the lot of them.