Barney's Blog

What a bunch of dummies

Evening all,

Barney McGrew – handsomest horse, thrilling thoroughbred, gorgeous gelding, riveting writer, brilliant blogger – here again, giving you the benefit of my vast experience.

Well, you’ll never guess what the stupid bloody humans have been up to now…

There I was, minding my own business in my field, when this wagon pulled up and a couple of humans called Paddy and Sam Trainor got out.

They were from something called the Regional Staff Development Programme and, inside the wagon, was the strangest-looking black horse I’ve ever seen in my life – ugly-looking bugger, and ignorant too.

“Good morning – lovely day isn’t it? Got any carrots?” I shouted, just to be friendly.

The horse didn’t even look up, let alone give me the courtesy of a reply.

The next thing I know, the Darren Savage human comes along, gets on the horse, and starts riding it – INSIDE THE BLOODY WAGON WHILE WATCHING THE FLIPPIN' TELEVISION! Honestly, I’m not joking. You couldn’t  make it up.

“What the hell are you doing?” I shouted over the fence.

“It’s not a real horse – it’s a simulator to help us with our riding!” the Darren human gasped, wiping sweat from his brow.

“Well, what are you watching on the telly – Neighbours?” I asked.

“No, I’m watching myself going up the gallops,” he replied.

Eh? I was honestly starting to think the Darren human had lost his marbles completely or had been sniffing the hoof oil again. I have to confess I was baffled by the whole bloody carry on, but nothing ever surprises me with humans. They really are the strangest creatures on God’s earth.

I decided to look up the word “simulator” in my Oxford English Dictionary and it said: “A machine or robotic contraption that recreates a real-life situation.”

What a load of old cobblers. A real-life situation? Rocking up and down on the spot, inside a wagon, while watching the telly. You’re never going to win a race if you don’t move forward, are you? Can’t any of these daft humans see when they’re being taken for a ride?

I thought it was only the Darren human who was daft enough but once he got off, the other humans lined up to take their turns. Here’s a picture of the Charlene human having a go. Then the Leanne human and then the Lauren human.

No prizes for guessing whose bum this is below – but they were all making an arse of themselves if you ask me.

I’d like to have seen The Gaffer having a go but there wasn’t much chance of that! Too busy having a bacon butty in the kitchen. Crafty sod.

Anyway, you might have noticed the simulator horse had NHC on its saddlecloth. They all think it stands for the NATIONAL HORSERACING COLLEGE, but it doesn’t. It stands for the NUMPTY HUMANS CLUB - and they’re all in it if you ask me.

MEANWHILE, a big well done to my old friend, Gale Force Maya, who won at Newmarket during the week.  She beat a horse called Bergerac by a nose. Good TV series, Bergerac. I like a good detective drama.

Anyway, what a consistent mare Galey is – that’s nine wins out of 30 runs. I really hope she wins a listed race before the end of the season, and she’ll make a lovely mummy one day.

A word too for one of the young ‘uns, Zuffolo – or Zuffy as I like to call him – who ran very green on his debut at Beverley but still finished a very decent third. He’ll have learned a lot and I can see him winning soon with a bit of luck.

My pal Challet ran a good race at Ripon the other day too. He likes going round a bend and clearly loves it at Ripon because he’s won there twice before. He finished second this time but didn’t settle and kept pulling hard. That saps your energy, so he did really well to be beaten less than a length. I’m sure he’ll be winning again soon.

It was good to see good old Dakota Gold back out on the track at Musselburgh earlier today. He always needs a few runs and would want it softer than it was today, so I'm sure there's still a decent race in him later in the season. And what a cracking run from Northern Express up in Scotland too. A close second on his 2022 debut bodes well for the season.

FINALLY, I overheard a conversation between two of Dakota Gold’s owners the other day. The Doug Graham human had given the Ian Davison human a few tips he’d got from his local bookie. The first was a horse called Sunshine, another was called Moonlight, and the third was called Good Times. "They're absolute certainties - put your house on em," said the Doug human.

All three of them finished last so the Ian human wasn’t very happy. “Oi! What the hell happened to those bloody horses you gave me?” he shouted.

The Doug human looked him in the eye and replied: “Don’t blame it on Sunshine, don’t blame it on Moonlight, don’t blame it on Good Times – blame it on the bookie!”

God I’m funny. See you soon, folks, lots of love and sloppy kisses,